Well, that about wraps up yet another shitty year of the new millennium. I don't know about you, but I personally can't wait to see what future shitty years have in store: rising water prices, a sharp growth in armed RoHoWa militias, a new Pitbull album … everything shitty is on the table, people. But if there was one glaring, constant theme of American life in 2011, it was this: 2011 was officially the year we became a fully realized nation of trolls. We now live in a country where it pays to be hated far more than it pays to be loved, where pissing people off is somehow viewed as a valuable commodity. We've been building to this shit for a while now, ever since Slate Magazine was founded and Sarah Palin pulled her first shotgun out of her pussy. 2011 has represented the apex of trolling nationwide. Consider these milestones: • Rebecca Black releases "Friday." • The Killing winds up getting nominated for a handful of Emmys and even made one year-end Top 10 list, despite the fact that every reasonable human being fucking despised it by the end of its first season. • Kim Kardashian makes $14 million off a marriage that the general public knew well in advance to be fraudulent. • Occupy Wall Street takes what is a perfectly noble cause—demanding that corporate interests not be allowed to overwhelm the democratic process—and then ruins all that goodwill by fulfilling every possible stereotype that people have about dipshit liberal protesters, including having rules in place to ensure that the movement remains completely rudderless. • Meanwhile: • Michelle Bachmann speaks out against mandatory vaccinations that help prevent cervical cancer, establishing the world's first pro-cancer political platform. • Darren Rovell surpasses 150,000 followers on Twitter. • The American economy nearly goes into default because of a bunch of Tea Party shitheads who don't want the country to have any government of any kind. The entire Tea Party platform, in fact, is like a trolling manifesto. Think there's a growing income gap in America? Well, let's make that gap BIGGER. Think banks have been given a license to commit fraud? Well, let's make sure they're LESS regulated. Think hamburgers are delicious? WRONG. Hamburgers are no longer delicious. MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS! • My 5-year-old pushes her brother off a trampoline, yet somehow still gets an American Girl doll for Christmas. • Charlie Sheen gets a $100 million severance package after being fired from his job for being a drug addict and all-around asshole. You get the idea. From WikiLeaks to David Stern to bank CEOs who have somehow eluded prosecution, the enduring theme of 2011 will be that it pays to be a ruinous societal shitstain. Take it from someone who has joined in the fun on more than one occasion. You're not getting anywhere in this country anymore if you're a good person who wants to make a valuable contribution to society. Do you know what happens to people in America today who do good things? They DIE. They invent the iPad, and then they get pancreatic cancer and die. Meanwhile, Rick fucking Perry still lives and breathes. That's how it works now. I remember when Sarah Palin, the original Troll Doll, first came on the scene in 2008, and some asshole commentator basically said that her main gift was her ability to piss off liberals. And I thought: "Well, that's not actually a gift. You can't do anything with that. Being able to piss people off isn't a skill." Holy shit was I wrong. That shrieking cunt is ass rich now, all because she speaks out vehemently against ideas that make perfect sense. So if you're looking to get ahead in 2012, I strongly advise you to look to the trolls. Go out and key someone's car. Be the lone American to write an effusive obit of Kim Jong Il. Watch more 2 Broke Girls. Be aggressively counterproductive. You will soon find yourself rich and happier in a nation where everything has been fucked inside out.
Related Posts
New Zealand s Jarrod Smith and Bermuda s Khano Smith were among 10 players selected by the Seattle Sounders on Wednesday in the Major League Soccer expansion draft.
Eight Americans also were chosen in the raid upon talent from other MLS clubs, who each could protect one player from their rosters and lose no more than one player to the league s 15th team that debuts in 2009.
Houston Dynamo forward Nate Jaqua was the first selection by the Sounders, who nabbed the southern hemisphere Smith from Toronto and the Caribbean one from New England.
The new stockpile of supporting talent joins a Sounders squad that already features US goalkeeper Kasey Keller, French midfielder Sebastien Le Toux, former Swedish international Freddie Ljungberg and Gambian teen Sanna Nyas…
Brazilian striker Fred aims to stay with French champions Olympique de Lyon at least until the end of the season, he told a website this week.
Only two weeks ago, Fred requested for his contract to be terminated in order to return to Brazil and play for a club in his home country. However, the player appears to have changed his mind and now wants to serve the full length of his contract, which expires in June 2009.
I ll stay until June, Fred told Lyon Capital s website. I can t say anything more but we will continue discussions over a new contract.
Fred, also known as Frederico Chaves Guedes, joined Lyon from Cruzeiro in 2005. Since moving to France, the forward scored 34 goals of which only two this season.
…
Tottenham Hotspur star Christian Eriksen has emerged as a target for Juventus, .
The Denmark international moved to White Hart Lane in the summer of 2013, and has since racked up eighty-four appearances for the club in all competitions, scoring twenty-two goals with he was named Spurs’ Player of the Year at the end of his debut season with the club.
He has three years remaining on his current deal, and the North London club have no intention of selling as Juventus attempt to strengthen as they look to land a fourth straight Serie A title.
The Turin club sold Arturo Vidal to Bayern Munich in the summer, and also have Schalke’s Julian Draxler and Chelsea duo Juan Cuadrado and Ramires on their wish list.
Juve kick of the new season at home to Udin…
FC Schalke 04 general manager Horst Heldt has revealed the club are on the verge of signing Manchester City defender Matija Nastasic on loan for the rest of the season.
The Serbia international, 21, is currently out of favour at the Etihad Stadium under Manuel Pellegrini, having not featured in an English Premier League fixture in 2014/15.
We are negotiating back and forth, that s how it goes, Heldt told Bild Magazine. You get closer and closer and in this case we are no longer far apart from each other.
I am optimistic that we will get this done in the coming days.
Both Nastasic and winger Scott Sinclair are expected to be sold this month, but Pellegrini has insisted the duo will leave only if the club receive good offers.
They…
Inter are seemingly nearing an agreement with Tottenham midfielder Christian Eriksen, reports say.
The Denmark international is out of contract at the end of the season and has also been linked with a move away from Spurs in January.
Inter are among the clubs reportedly interested in Eriksen and it seems the Serie A high-flyers are close to a deal.
TOP STORY – INTER IN ADVANCED TALKS WITH ERIKSEN
Inter are in advanced talks with Eriksen for a move ahead of the 2020-21 season, according to La Gazzetta dello Sport journalist Nicolo Schira.
However, he reports Spurs are looking to sell Eriksen in January for at least €20million (£17m).
Amid uncertainty over his future, Eriksen has made just nine Premier League starts for Totte…
Liverpool are interested in Copenhagen’s Robin Olsen, according to .
The 28-year-old shot-stopper is currently at the World Cup and his performances for both Sweden and Copenhagen have been impressive.
manager Jürgen Klopp had decided to give Loris Karius a proper chance halfway through the 2017/18 season and permanently benched Simon Mignolet. The former Mainz 05 ’keeper was doing well until the horror show that, unfortunately for him, happened in the Champions League final.
Liverpool’s first-choice goalkeeper target has been Alisson Becker of AS Roma, also currently at the tournament in Russia, but the Mirror believe the Brazilian is set to move to Santiago Bernabeu despite Real Madrid winning three consecutive Champions League titles with Keylor Nav…
UEFA has opened proceedings against Romanian officials Sebastian Coltescu and Octavian Sovre in relation to the events that led to the postponement of Istanbul Basaksehir s Champions League match at Paris Saint-Germain.
The game at the Parc des Princes was suspended after only 13 minutes when it was alleged Coltescu had exposed Basaksehir assistant Pierre Webo to racist language.
Demba Ba, playing for the Turkish side, was seen remonstrating with Coltescu and could be heard saying: You never said this white guy . Why, when you mention a black guy, do you have to say this black guy ? .
The match was completed a day later with PSG running out 5-1 winners. Prior to the resumption, players from both teams warmed up in No to racism T-shirts and took the knee in the c…
After the year Karim Benzema has had, you could be forgiven for thinking he came straight from a computer game.
Appropriately, the Real Madrid and France striker has been awarded the highest rating in FIFA 23 ahead of its release later this month.
EA Sports has announced its ratings for the top 23 players for this year s edition of the popular football simulation, with Benzema the top-ranked on 91, while the likes of Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo and Harry Kane have fallen.
Benzema scored 44 goals in 46 games in all competitions for Madrid last season as they went on to win both the LaLiga and Champions League titles, and has already notched four goals in six appearances this season.
Last year s top-ranked, Messi, has seen his rating fall from 93 to 9…
West Ham United will consider a move for former striker Demba Ba when the transfer window reopens in January, .
Only the bottom four teams in the division have a worse return than the Hammers’ goal tally of eight in ten Premier League games this season, while Ricardo Vaz Te is their only striker to have hit the back of the net this term.
They have failed to score in six out of ten top flight games this season, with their latest blank coming in a goalless draw with Aston Villa on Saturday afternoon.
Ba has made just five appearances since Jose Mourinho returned to Stamford Bridge, and the Senegal international has failed to hit the back of the net since 2-1 FA Cup semi-final defeat to Manchester City at Wembley in April.
The 28 year old had a brief…
Fabrice Muamba said Bafetimbi Gomis sudden collapse at White Hart Lane on Wednesday evoked memories of the day he clinically died.
Muamba, playing for Bolton at the time, fell to the ground at the London venue during an FA Cup quarter-final with Tottenham in March 2012.
The Congolese midfielder suffered a cardiac arrest, and his heart stopped for one hour, 18 minutes.
Now retired, Muamba, 26, said Gomis scare playing for Swansea against Spurs brought back the memories of his near-death experience.
I was busy trying to concentrate on my uni work that takes priority nowadays but I heard about Gomis through social media, Muamba told the Daily Express.
You are not sure of the full details but you can put two and two together and then it came out tha…