Well, that about wraps up yet another shitty year of the new millennium. I don't know about you, but I personally can't wait to see what future shitty years have in store: rising water prices, a sharp growth in armed RoHoWa militias, a new Pitbull album … everything shitty is on the table, people. But if there was one glaring, constant theme of American life in 2011, it was this: 2011 was officially the year we became a fully realized nation of trolls. We now live in a country where it pays to be hated far more than it pays to be loved, where pissing people off is somehow viewed as a valuable commodity. We've been building to this shit for a while now, ever since Slate Magazine was founded and Sarah Palin pulled her first shotgun out of her pussy. 2011 has represented the apex of trolling nationwide. Consider these milestones: • Rebecca Black releases "Friday." • The Killing winds up getting nominated for a handful of Emmys and even made one year-end Top 10 list, despite the fact that every reasonable human being fucking despised it by the end of its first season. • Kim Kardashian makes $14 million off a marriage that the general public knew well in advance to be fraudulent. • Occupy Wall Street takes what is a perfectly noble cause—demanding that corporate interests not be allowed to overwhelm the democratic process—and then ruins all that goodwill by fulfilling every possible stereotype that people have about dipshit liberal protesters, including having rules in place to ensure that the movement remains completely rudderless. • Meanwhile: • Michelle Bachmann speaks out against mandatory vaccinations that help prevent cervical cancer, establishing the world's first pro-cancer political platform. • Darren Rovell surpasses 150,000 followers on Twitter. • The American economy nearly goes into default because of a bunch of Tea Party shitheads who don't want the country to have any government of any kind. The entire Tea Party platform, in fact, is like a trolling manifesto. Think there's a growing income gap in America? Well, let's make that gap BIGGER. Think banks have been given a license to commit fraud? Well, let's make sure they're LESS regulated. Think hamburgers are delicious? WRONG. Hamburgers are no longer delicious. MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS! • My 5-year-old pushes her brother off a trampoline, yet somehow still gets an American Girl doll for Christmas. • Charlie Sheen gets a $100 million severance package after being fired from his job for being a drug addict and all-around asshole. You get the idea. From WikiLeaks to David Stern to bank CEOs who have somehow eluded prosecution, the enduring theme of 2011 will be that it pays to be a ruinous societal shitstain. Take it from someone who has joined in the fun on more than one occasion. You're not getting anywhere in this country anymore if you're a good person who wants to make a valuable contribution to society. Do you know what happens to people in America today who do good things? They DIE. They invent the iPad, and then they get pancreatic cancer and die. Meanwhile, Rick fucking Perry still lives and breathes. That's how it works now. I remember when Sarah Palin, the original Troll Doll, first came on the scene in 2008, and some asshole commentator basically said that her main gift was her ability to piss off liberals. And I thought: "Well, that's not actually a gift. You can't do anything with that. Being able to piss people off isn't a skill." Holy shit was I wrong. That shrieking cunt is ass rich now, all because she speaks out vehemently against ideas that make perfect sense. So if you're looking to get ahead in 2012, I strongly advise you to look to the trolls. Go out and key someone's car. Be the lone American to write an effusive obit of Kim Jong Il. Watch more 2 Broke Girls. Be aggressively counterproductive. You will soon find yourself rich and happier in a nation where everything has been fucked inside out.
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Sergio Aguero described Barcelona as the best club in the world as he completed his move from Manchester City.
After 10 years at City, Aguero passed a medical on Monday to seal his free transfer to Camp Nou, with the Argentina international to officially become a Barca player on July 1.
The striker became City s record scorer during his decade-long stint at the Etihad Stadium, but now he is set to be united with compatriot Lionel Messi in Spain.
The pair are close friends, and Aguero s satisfaction was obvious as he sealed his return to LaLiga, having previously played for Atletico Madrid.
We all know that Barca are the best club in the world, so I think I made a great decision to be here and I hope to help the team, Aguero said.
Of course it s …
AC Milan want to sign Nicolo Zaniolo from Galatasaray in the summer transfer window, according to . The report has claimed that Milan wanted to bring Zaniolo to San Siro in the January transfer window, but the defending Serie A champions could not agree on a deal with Italian rivals AS Roma.
Zaniolo moved to Turkish giants Galatasaray in the middle of the season, but Milan have not given up on signing the 23-year-old attacking midfielder. The report has claimed that the Rossoneri are aware of the €35 million release clause that the Italy international has in his contract, and that they could trigger it at the end of the season.
Milan are third in the Serie A table at the moment with 47 points from 24 matches, as many as 18 points behind leaders Napoli.
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Scott Parker said he is already discussing plans for next season, including recruitment, with Fulham s board despite his position as manager on a permanent basis not yet being confirmed.
The Cottagers picked up their first Premier League away win of 2018-19 after Aleksandar Mitrovic s second-half penalty earned them a 1-0 success over Bournemouth one week after they beat Everton 2-0 at home.
Back-to-back victories have strengthened caretaker boss Parker s chances of being handed the reins next season, despite the former midfielder having failed to prevent the club from being relegated to the Championship since taking charge of the team in February.
We need to build, we need to talk, and obviously we re doing that, Parker told Sky Sports.
[We re] discuss…
Market: Sutton win
Odds: 7/10 @
Hoping to make up some ground in the play-off chase on Tuesday night, Sutton will welcome Crawley to Gander Green Lane.
Starting with the hosts, while Sutton might have been disappointed to have only collected a 1-1 draw at home against Crewe over the weekend, Matt Gray s men should find the mood in their camp at a continued high. With their sights firmly set on securing a play-off spot in 2023, the U s are enjoying a seven-match unbeaten run and will be looking to make another statement on Tuesday night. Likewise, suffering just a single defeat in any of their last 13 straight matchups across all formats a run that stems all the way back to December 17th Sutton have also gained a reputation for their rugged displays at the back. …
Arsene Wenger heaped praise on Leicester City midfielder N Golo Kante as Arsenal continue to be linked with a move for the France international.
The 25-year-old reportedly has a £20million release clause in his contract and has been heavily linked with the Gunners, as well as Chelsea and Paris Saint-Germain after starring in Leicester s shock Premier League title success.
Arsenal boss Wenger did little to dampen the speculation with a ringing endorsement of Kante s quality, describing him as a rare talent, with the player set to decide on his future once Euro 2016 is over.
I admire and like N Golo Kante a lot it gives you ideas, he told beIN Sports.
He gives you the feeling that the higher the level he plays at, the more at ease he is. We are talkin…
In what will go down as arguably the greatest achievement in sport, Leicester City have been crowned Premier League champions.
From 5000-1 outsiders after almost being relegated in 2014-15, Leicester remarkably sealed the title thanks to Chelsea s 2-2 draw at home to second-placed Tottenham on Monday.
Leicester seven points clear atop the table with two matches remaining upstaged cashed-up Manchester City, Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United to etch their names into footballing folklore.
And the plaudits followed late on Monday as past and present players, as well as clubs across the globe, joined in the celebrations with Claudio Ranieri s men.
Leicester City have won the Premier League. The biggest sporting shock of my lifetime, and it s only my team.…
Arsenal defender Per Mertesacker says he is happy with his decision to move from Werder Bremen to the Emirates last year.
The German admitted he was forced to rush the massive decision due to Arsenal s last-minute approach, yet despite this Mertesacker said he is still very happy at his new club.
I m glad I made this step, he told reporters. It came pretty sudden and I had to decide quickly. I was looking forward to a lot of things that came true. It was very important to me that my family feels well, and that is the case.
Mertesacker will represent Germany at Euro 2012 and is hoping the side can use their recent matches with Group B rivals Portugal, in particular, to their advantage in Ukraine and Poland.
We had some encounters against Portugal, he s…
Socceroos coach Holger Osieck praised his men following their 1-1 draw with Japan in Asian World Cup qualifying at Suncorp Stadium on Tuesday.
Australia were reduced to 10 men in the 55th minute of the match in Brisbane when Matt Milligan was controversially shown his second yellow card.
And their task became harder still when Atsuto Uchida put the visitors ahead 1-0 ten minutes later.
But the Socceroos held on to take a point after Luke Wilkshire converted a penalty in the 70th minute.
German Osieck, who took over as Socceroos coach in August 2010, was impressed with his team s resilience in fighting back to earn a draw.
What our team delivered tonight was unbelievable, he said.
It s hard to describe how they did that, how they managed…
Peter Stoger was glad to see an end to Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang s transfer saga and hopes Borussia Dortmund can narrow their focus to on-field matters.
Aubameyang completed his long-awaited move to Arsenal on deadline day, the Gunners parting with a club-record £56million for his services.
Dortmund replaced the Gabon international with the loan signing of Chelsea s Michy Batshuayi whom Stoger has suggested will go straight into the starting XI for Friday s trip to Cologne.
To complete the transfer triangle, Arsenal offloaded Olivier Giroud to Chelsea, but with the window now shut, Stoger hopes a good deal of the media furore will die down heading into the business end of 2017-18.
When you wake up and remember is a Gunner…
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DC United have completed the signing of right-back Oniel Fisher, who has been traded from Seattle Sounders.
The Washington DC outfit paid $50,000 in general allocation money to acquire the services of the Jamaica international.
The 26-year-old was allowed to leave after Kevin Leerdam had largely impressed in his maiden season with Sounders and he now gets a new chance to secure regular playing time.
The Jamaican, who also operated as left-back at times, amassed a total of 32 Major League Soccer appearances in three years with the senior side.
Fisher broke into the Jamaica national team set-up last year and went on to make four appearances at the 2017 CONCACAF Gold Cup held in United States.
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